Small Town Wren

I’ve been gone awhile. It’s hard to write in your blog when you feel like nothing you have to say is important or of any consequence. I’ve probably just been psyching myself out.

I think it’s time to own up and say that I am incredibly, incredibly frustrated. And part of that frustration has to do with a lot of the resentment I feel towards life and this blog. It seems that I stop writing here every time it becomes very obvious that the purpose of this blog will not be fulfilled. I started this blog two and a half years ago to talk about moving back to Nowheresville, Illinois after graduating from New York University in May 2009. And for awhile I wrote here regularly and happily. And then it became rocky. And that rockiness has coincided with every turn that has made it clear that I would not be leaving this place when I earned my Masters Degree.

I am frustrated. I wasn’t supposed to be in my parents’ house for more than two years. I’m still here. I was supposed to be able to support myself with a Masters Degree in Education. I make $12.00 an hour and am supposed to feel “lucky” for it. I have found a field within education that I am absolutely in love with (Special Ed), would really like to pursuit that and bonus, there are positions open in it! However, getting my LBS1 to do that would make me ‘too expensive’ to ever hire.

I’ve worked my butt off my entire life to be successful. I worked hard to get into a world-renown boarding school, then to get into the best college in the world for my field. There was lots of opportunity  and money in that field until about 6 months before I graduated. I moved home to get into a Masters program which I paid for out of my pocket. I don’t have debt, not even on my credit cards. I did everything right.

I did everything right and yet everything is going wrong.

Even the little things aren’t going my way. All my knitting mojo has left the building. How many times have I had to restart the same gift for my sister? (Hint: The answer is 5.)  How many students do I miss because of a crazy merry-go-round job switch? (Answer: 46.)  Though let me clear, I am absolutely in love with the six students I see every day now and with my job. I just miss my 46 Kindergartners, too.  And how many sticks of butter did I put out to soften that were the wrong kind? (Srsly: 4.)

I’m completely head over heels for a man, but I cannot afford to start the life with him we both want. I refuse to be a kept woman. It’s just not something I can do. And let’s not get started on how much we’re be jerked around by the credit union when we are actually trying to see if we could afford to move in together.

I’m just so angry and there is no place to direct my anger. To be honest, it’s not really anyone’s fault unless we want to start glaring at bankers and mortage lenders. Well, I perhaps could be angry with the Illinois government for jerking around Education funding and not paying their bills. But the problem is, there’s no one I can walk up to and scream at them and get them to make this right.

There’s no customer service for when everything sucks.

I met up with a friend yesterday to help her construct a blanket. She wasn’t sure how to do the crochet bits. Silly me thinking I’d be the only one doing the teaching.  Monica’s mission in life, apparently, is to get as many people spinning on this planet as possible. We hadn’t even gotten started before she was thrusting a spindle into my hands and bag full of fiber. She gave me a choice of spindles, so I got to choose one with a very nice green resin whorl.

And a short while later, I was spinning. Spinning as in making yarn.  Oh dear. Textiles are very rapidly taking over my life.  I suppose there are worse fates to have, but I do think I may be hitting the point where it’d be embarrassing to show all the unused yarn I have to, well, anyone.  The only problem is I’m not sure how to ply and/or set the twist, so I can’t actually do anything with all my brand new yarn. Rats!

So now that I have graduated and have subsequently found myself on the job-seeking beat, I’ve found I have more time to do what I really enjoy. Namely, knitting.

A friend was ever so kind enough to send me a lovely Twist Collective pattern (Mary Jane) to work on in my down time. And work on it I have, using some lovely Elsebeth Lavold Hempathy that I got on sale. It’s a hemp/cotton/modal blend. Which means it’s murder on the fingers. And yet, somehow worth it. I’ve only had to rip out my needles and frog back, oooh, eleventy-billion times. I’m not a very careful knitter. I hurry and make large, glaring mistakes that I don’t catch until much too long afterward. That’s okay though. Sometimes I just let the mistakes live on.

Now isn’t that lovely? The red of that deck chair really brings out the…uh…yellowish-tannish-muddle color in it. I’m a bit farther on now than I was a week ago when I took that picture. Shut up, it can take me a week to post on my blog if I want it to. Psssh.

Ah, and when I’m not knitting, I am, of course, doing naughty things like buying yarn. Lots and lots of yarn. Though in my defense, going to a seconds sale is a ridiculously cheap way to get a lot of fancy yarn. Here. Let me show you:

This, ladies and gentlemen, is Dream in Color Smooshy. And not just any color either. It’s their April 2011 Exclusive Club Color Posy.  That yarn right there? Retails for $24.00-$26.00. I kid you not. I bought it at the company seconds sale for $5.00. It has about foot of “damaged” yarn in it (ie not spun to standards) but that little defect is hardly anything, especially when you consider that skein has 420 yards in it. The color is much prettier in person, too.

So no, I’m not ashamed I spent all the money in my wallet that day. Not the least. Especially since I am now done buying yarn for the next few years.  Yeah. A few years.  I mean that.   I think.

So Ravelry was having a big search party with prizes last week. And I actually won one of the prizes. Say what? I never win anything! I’m the big loser of my family, of my friends, of the universe!

So I’ve got a lot of knitting books and yarns coming my way soon. Which I’m pretty psyched about. Now just to figure out what to knit for who!